Free Monthly #22 Mayo Moon
April Fools for 2024...or is?
Introduction
It’s April, and that means it’s got to be time for a fun short story! Why is Elon Musk such a hard-working individual? I know the answer!
Mayo Moon
“The terrible experiments you must have gone through!” Carol Ann’s voice broke across the internet in her first podcast interview. She landed the largest fish in the sea through the luck of a social media lottery to promote new features on X.com. The man across from her was none other than Elon Musk himself. The news took the world by storm, so much so that all the divisive current events of 2024 ceased to be more than annoying distractions from the news.
“It’s true. That’s why we were bullied in school, all the accidents and everything. We had to keep it all hidden so we could avoid answering unsavory questions.” Elon spoke evenly and with deliberate thought. It was a revelation, but it was calculated.
“Is there anything that makes it stop?”
“Stress, ironically enough, helps keep it from spewing forth. Dehydration helps but clogs pores. It is really just a nuisance more than anything. If I sweat it all out, I sweat normally afterward. For a while at least. The glands increase production if you go too far. That’s why I’ve been going so hard, to keep up with the increased amounts produced. I’ve been trying to outrun it for the past decade.” Elon laughed nervously and Carol Ann joined in. It was an incredible revelation. It was something that you’d think stemmed from a “would you rather” question that turned out to be true. It was Elon Musk telling the world that he sweated mayonnaise.
“What causes it?”
“I’m not really sure to be honest, that’s why I am so devoted to the climate change cause and to SpaceX.” Elon paused and Carol Ann waited for further explanation. Finally, Elon spoke once more, “obviously with the earth warming I sweat all the more profusely at inconvenient times. While I can get most of it out inconspicuously, it is challenging to keep up to avoid accidents with excess production. But it’s not just me. My children, some of them share the same trait. It’s a conundrum and I fear the eventuality that we might all sweat mayonnaise. If the Earth gets too warm, it will be inevitable that all that mayonnaise could build up and cause mayhem.”
Weeks passed after the shocking interview and day after day, celebrities, CEOs, and others who worked endlessly, always stressing their bodies to the point that they could not regenerate more mayonnaise to sweat so that they would sweat normally, came forward and announced to the world their flavored secretion secret. It turned out that most of the richest of the world, in wealth and in labor, had been hiding from everyone what they thought was their infirmity and only their infirmity. Elon broke the dam and all the mayo men and women began to speak up.
People turned to science en masse for an explanation and the experts estimated twenty percent of humanity had the Condiment Condition as it was dubbed by X users, with the approval of Elon sealing his kind’s fate. Through the uproar and the remainder of 2024, the prices of synthetic mayo dropped to near nothing. People demanded the mayonnaise from their favorite friends and even more people coveted celebrity mayonnaise. Businesses, mostly restaurants, took notice and sent prices skyrocketing.
When Elon saw what he had done to the world, he explained in no uncertain terms why his ventures were so necessary. He did so by returning to the podcast where it all began, The Carol Ann Show.
“All the work I’m doing with Tesla is to make sure we have as minimal impact on the environment as possible. We can’t allow the climate to get warmer if we can help it. With SpaceX, as I’ve said, we need a plan for what to do with the inevitable excess of mayonnaise.”
“I don’t understand what SpaceX has to do with this.”
“We’re going to need a way to transport the stockpiles of spoiled mayonnaise. It will start to stink up the planet. Now that we have an idea on how widespread this problem is I don’t think it will be possible to just ship us all off to Mars like I had planned, to start the Mayo Mars Colony or whatever,” Elon chuckled at the idea for a brief second before continuing, “We may just have to stuff the moon with mayo.”
Carol Ann couldn’t help but to burst out laughing when Elon finished speaking. It was a ridiculous idea and Elon laughed with her in his own, nervous, way. When she could speak again, she asked, “stuff the moon with mayo?!”
“Well, we don’t want it floating off or anything like that, could be problematic for future spaceflight. Space junk is space junk, whether it’s mayo or metal.”
“But how!? The moon’s solid!”
“What do you think the Boring Company is for?”
With the second interview, the vision Elon had constructed for his future to keep the Condiment Condition away from humanity was becoming clear. People rallied together, forgetting their political and cultural differences, and volunteered to help him to develop the proof of concept to save humanity from the Condiment Condition. Their efforts would become the Sauce Spector Project.
By the end of 2025, the first rockets with equipment to hollow out the moon with AI robots working continuously in the harsh lunar environment were already landed and starting to excavate the moon. After the initial training, the robots continued to operate without close guidance by humanity. When the first caverns were fully excavated, series of smaller rockets were scheduled to be loaded with undesirable or spoiled mayonnaise and launched to the moon. The robots, which would rely on solar power, would recharge while rolling the containers with mayonnaise into the finished caverns, never to see the light of day again.
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