I Took a Trip (and what I found along the way)
Gatlinburg, Tennessee, nature's mountain majesty, and a host of thoughts (and poetry!)
I went with the one I love to Gatlinburg, Tennessee for 4 days. She was with me for a few days before and after, but the trip to Tennessee was the catalyst as she lives a few states away. I had hopes to write in the last week, but I didn’t. It’s okay, though, because I did the more important thing of dwelling in the present for a while. Dwelling in the present doesn’t mean I wasn’t thinking. No, it means I simply refrained from living in another world or pondering the past. Here’s what was on my mind (in no particular order):
A. How much I love my girlfriend (cultivating a love garden)
B. What I want out of my current circumstances, profession, and hobbies
C. This Substack, the content, and branding, and how I approach “drops”
D. Continued thinking of familial ties and a family of my own
E. How to better declutter and sustain a clear, calm, and strong mind
F. What path should I take with a 10-year horizon in mind
But before I tackle them as listed and give you pictures as payment, why did I go to Gatlinburg? Well, I went to see what this timeshare nonsense was all about. All it did, though, was make me think about what I wanted out of life all the more. Do I take the deal and sign up for what sounds like “a great deal” and take vacations enough to make the cost worth it? Do I even want to vacation that much to resorts? How did they come up with that math again?
Yeah, lots of questions, but good ones. They helped me focus on building the habit of critical thinking up and what second and third-order consequences might be waiting for me after a slump in 2024 where I ignored such things. Considering many of the subjects, I thought it best to write down (and share) what I was thinking about prior to and during the trip.
A. How Much I Love my Girlfriend (and Cultivating a Love Garden)
I’ve never said “I love you” as many times as I have these last few weeks. I strongly dislike the phrase—why’s a story for a different day. My friends rarely hear me say such things unless in jest. Last time I said it seriously to a friend (Hannah), she texted me asking about it because it was out of character for yours truly. I can write a passionate lover’s speech and emote through poetry, but say that phrase IRL? Forget it. I love my girlfriend so much that I’ve dedicated a collection of poetry that I’ve no intentions to share publicly. It’s all for her. Nothing against ya’ll, but I made a promise to myself and her on that account.
Love Garden? And all these “Loves”?
What I will say, this quirk of mine isn’t about hiding my emotions. I wouldn’t be sharing chapbooks like Used if that was my reason. No, I’m not hiding anything. I’m just keeping the words special. They’re our words, for us, and for us to lean on when things get strained. It’s a collection of poetry describing our journey, and she’s added poems to it just as I have. Without making words special, do they really have a meaning? Love comes in many forms. From greatest to least (IMO): the Eternal Love of God, the Love for One’s Children, Intimate Couples Love, and the Love for Others. If this was a Love Garden, I’d water the plants in that priority order, and that’s the goal here.
Cultivating a Love Garden stems from my several poems covering love as a garden, as trees, as something that must be tended and grown. One must actively—consciously and intentionally—care for the soil, the plants, the emotions. Failure to do so will cause strife to the point of division and destruction. I’ve been there and will do everything in my power to ensure I don’t revisit that dark path again.
We have our obstacles, everyone does. What’s important is communication. What’s important is understanding when to voice concerns and when to submit to one another because, as in all relationships, there must be some amount of compromise to achieve greater bonds. As much as I kick and scream while growing out my hair, I listen to her on how to care for hair properly (even if I’m dragging my feet). She’s wiser in the ways of hair, so I trust her on that front. She trusts me on the technology and writing fronts (and on that it makes one of us!)
B. What I Want out of my Current Circumstances, Profession, and Hobbies
This is really saying: I’ve just moved, but what’s my future? How will I manage my lifestyle going forward, where I’m heading at my day job, with writing and podcasting, and the various hobbies that feed into them?
You know, that kinda stuff.
For those who don’t know, I’ve moved in the last month. Further, I haven’t been writing much since the start of 2024 and a lot has happened related to work (see also: Burnout & Me). Add in a new long-distance relationship and the fact I’m turning 30 this year, and you’ve got a period of life which requires deep thinking and reflection. I know Why I Write, but why do I work in technology? Does it fulfill me? Does my current position fulfill me? What’s next in that career? And what of all that time spent binging music, podcasts, history, and strategy gaming?
I’ve said it many times I want to “retire” early such that I’m financially independent (a.k.a. can live without working for someone else). Yet, I haven’t really put my money where my mouth is the way I needed to so I could hit my deadlines. With A.I. and A.S.I. (and Quantum Computing) seeking to upend the status quo, I have realized the time to dawdle and waffle on what I want to achieve is closing. I must set a course and live by it.
But what course should I set?
I know who I love and fulfills me (yup! My girlfriend), a few things I love doing and fulfill me (writing & reading), yet I have no means to pursue them as passionately as I’d like to. Too far away and too distracted by the grind society has thrust upon us all.
I’d say I’m alone in this, but I know there’s others (are you one?!) that struggle with the same concerns giving the chaotic crisis period we’re in as a society. The future looks bright to me, but it’s shrouded all the same when I search for my place there.
These are things that keep me up at night, and while I hiked up Mt. Le Conte (to the summit and back in 7 hrs in one day), I shifted focus from myself to my partner for the hike and to the world around me. To the beautiful and dangerous of the ascent and to the nature God put there (or lack thereof for we saw few animals). The future isn’t mine, it’s not for me, it is for all of us—for humanity.
So too must I refocus my writing and thoughts, not just on how I can sustain in a system that requires capital, but on how I can remain motivated in pursuit of stories that benefit those who read them. I have lost my way while writing these past few years, and have lost faith in the future of human made writing—and the revenues therein—as marketing, grifting, and A.I. are, even if seemingly, dominating the industry.
How does an authentic voice get heard?
How well must I write and hone my craft to achieve my dream profession and related goals?
Which leads me to thoughts on:
C. This Substack, the Contents, and Branding, and How I Approach “Drops”
I mentioned earlier this month changes were coming in the summer. With my move, I am consolidating my podcasting and editing workstations and, if possible, making a desk for writing once again. (A dedicated space to write at last!) There’s a plethora of challenges to bring this together, but they aren’t insurmountable. They just require time I must allocate for.
I opted to forgo writing and take in the present most of April. The consequence was sacrificing prepping the remaining monthly drops drafted, revised, and/or unedited. Perspective tells me I made the right call. What I’ve got stewing up for the second half of this year will be a step closer to what I’ve always envisioned. Additionally, time to sort my personal struggles out means less of a burden on my shoulders as I bring that vision together.
Nothing I’ve said is coming or working on the publishing schedule this year will change. What I’m comfortable sharing now is the decision to rebrand articles, essays, and monthly short stories. These need an overhaul, as my vision for them has changed. As I look for magazine and contest stories and poetry in my backlog and present writings, what doesn’t make it there will be additional deliveries to my subscribers.
If standing at the top of 6,500 feet of rock, soil, and history made me realize anything, it’s that the good and the bad make up a majestic natural wonder. A bit of tinkering created a culture around that mountain of work (moonshine, hillbillies, or a tourist trap).
But, what’s the point of sharing the good if there’s no bad to juxtapose it against? What value is there in deleting words because they aren’t up to snuff when they are useful as a “here’s how far this story and you have come”?
My intent in these changes is to streamline and give me the ability to release stuff I’m working on presently, and not just the backlog. Stay tuned on all that but, because I can, here’s something about the Smoky Mountains:
I’m Wrong About the Smoky Mountains:
Foliage filled with watery mystery This dreamlike haze With every step up this braes I steal a digital memory And the sight never compares To the grandeur, the hue, of human recollecting To accept the risk of nature and all these bears It’s worth every moment And worthy is this ascent With each and every step I take Every fresh breath I make What I’ve called hills Where forests cover the mountain I see I’m wrong The top full of chill Where bears roam around log cabins I see I’m wrong The Cherokee are right, As are the settlers and their Rights The blue glinted haze before me And the brisk air about me Speak to a majesty I never saw And I’m glad it remains conserved Against the hatchet, axe, and saw This world needs preserved And who’s going to heed the call?
D. Continued Thinking of Familial ties and a Family of my Own
I moved back to Ohio for many reasons. The biggest of them are:
I have nieces and nephews that I want to spend time with, even if it’s for a while.
I’m 50% closer to my girlfriend.
I came to despise Northern Virginia, the corporate and dehumanizing way of life, and see value for my day job’s company by locating myself back where I started with them.
I won’t lie and say these are in the order I came to them. I needed change—I thrive on change. Without it, I grow stale and it takes little to upend all I strive for. My mental health is important to me, and rectifying the above three, I believe, will recalibrate my thinking, work, and writing while I determine what’s next.
To be clear, I don’t despise the people of Northern Virginia, not directly if at all. The way of life is cold and illogical, barren of the entertainment I hold dear, and reminds me of Seattle where I can see lots of nature that would be beautiful, if it wasn’t for all the houses murdering the view.
E. How to Better Declutter and Sustain a Clear, Calm, and Strong Mind
Living in Suburbia, with all its fast-paced corporate rigmarole, is decidedly not what keeps me happy. I went to Northern Virginia for specific reasons. To name the big three:
For my day job and career
To be closer to the politics
So I might see what another place might offer in all facets of life
I learned enough to say I’ve accomplished all three. I’ve learned enough to know that the winds of change, mental health, and my journey required me to move away. Not everything is meant to last forever, and my time there—for the foreseeable future—has come to an end.
Traveling is nice, living close to where things are happening is nice, but being around those I love and care for is nicer. Bring me that Ohio Dawn and I’ll make it something worthy of praise! (Take that with all the cringe imaginable youngsters…no cap)
F. What Path Should I take with a 10-Year Horizon in Mind
All these thoughts have coalesced into that thing I’ve been thinking about for a long time. What’s my 10-year plan?
I had one, 10 years ago. And I had a five-year plan three times in that same span. I’ve made great strides to achieve all I wished to do in my 20s. The only things holding me back are time and reality.
Ambition can only meet ambition when there are ambitions at play.
I set forth in my 20s to take on the world and I can’t be sure if I won, lost, or am regrouping with a draw. What I do know is I’ve made progress, and one cannot climb a mountain in one big, all-encompassing step. Some things take time to accomplish.
Climbing a mountain requires patience, helping and waiting on others, taking breaks, knowing one’s limits, and watching for ice, pitfalls, and other dangers along the way. Seeing nature in such a way has helped me reorient my thoughts. However, there’s still work to do.
My 10-year plan is getting rusty and needs updated. My desires and dreams have changed, as have the people I want to share them with. The future I set forth on is no longer the future I wish to live in. The world has changed. I have changed. The people in my life have changed. I want to be happy, and I want those I care for the most to be happy and with me. This requires altering how I’ve been doing things.
Why haven’t I been self-publishing any new books?
It’s not because I don’t have a backlog of manuscripts (manical laughter in several in various stages of draft). It’s because it costs money to do things right, and time and persistence to make the spend of time and money not feel like a waste. Biggest of these that hold me back are marketing and promoting my work. Even if I were to traditionally publish, I’d have to have something so upmarket and so good the publisher will do the heavy lifting for me while I focus on writing.
I have accepted that no matter how I approach this conundrum, the existing structures are inadequate for writers like me. It’s a choice between writing and selling, and as a writer I have no desire to sell. I want people who are looking for what I’m offering to find me, and fin value in what I write. I don’t want to make it their problem or their responsibility either.
So, what’s a writer to do?
Well, I have a business idea drafted for that, but capital and reach are holding me back (If you have either or know someone who has both and looking to start up a venture that’ll amplify human artists and writers, let me know!)
And yes, this realization plus the advent of A.I. and political division has kept me from making strides in this direction. That’s my excuse and I’ll gladly admit it’s a weak one.
Anyway.
10-year plan.
I’m working on revising it as I sort out where I want to be, and I already have some steps in that direction that will deter, temporarily, from writing as much as I want to. With the changes to this Substack on the horizon, including streamlining additional content that doesn’t require extra work for me, I expect you, my devoted and lovely reader who I value most highly, won’t feel left out one iota. If anything, you’ll see an increase in stuffs to read!
Great! Later folks!
Oh, and here are some pictures of my hike, silliness, and poem at the end! Cheers!
Where’d All the Nature Go?
Up high and down below A river twirls and flows I step up the leafy path For the watered rocks ahead Yet, where’d all the nature go? The day has yet to start And I really need to fart Fourteen thousands steps per math Up and around this riverbed Yet, where’d all the nature go? I see nature’s leaves and wood But no game save birds afoot A streak unbroken until at last A squirrel came, looked, and fled Yet, where’d all the nature go? A question I didn’t ask Until completed was our task And bewilderment spewed forth As I forgot the green and blue of Earth “Hey… Where’d all the nature go?!”
Good luck with the move. My friend from here is moving to SC. Finding your roots is hard, but I hope you get the place you want to settle down in for life.