Searching
Where I sleep I sleep alone, in the darkness of covered windows. Where I write I write alone, in the chaos of my computer’s home. Focus is hard to come by, when the world outside beckons me to join. I am not of this world’s mistaken number, but rather a person with thoughts my own. Wasting time with those who might break my trance as was my desire, they were nothing but foils. A fool I was, to believe others could be worth the trust that I wish to impart to them for they take and never give. Harnessing my emotion and dedication to those I know is harder than I anticipated and the result is friendship that no one would crave. A halfhearted purely convenient modus operandi, a means to and end was i. No longer shall I fit my world into the tight dimensions of others such as they I am greater than the existence they seek and I am worth more than they appreciate I am searching for someone who sees that worth and will treat me as an equal and level…
What are your thoughts on this poem?
My Thoughts on Poem
This is a poem I wrote in 2019, about a year after last week’s poem. I felt it only fitting to continue with something written during this “hiatus” period. “Searching” is a poem that continues the strand of what kind of life I was living in that timeframe. It was a struggle between loneness and shallow friendships as I searched for a way to connect the social life I longed for with the private living I desired. The calls of others to be something they desire and not something that I desire to be. A line that points this out rather well is: “I am not of this world’s mistaken number, but rather a person with thoughts my own.” I don’t play well with picking a side or joining a throng; I’d rather do my own thing. Look no further than my first ACT writing assessment. They asked me to pick a side on the audiobook versus reading (well cassette tapes and paper to be accurate) and I could not pick a side. I gave the benefits of both sides and I gave the argument for the cons of both sides. It was not a matter of which one was supposedly better, but which one worked best for the person and the occasion. I did not get a satisfactory score that day despite the fact I was right. Being correct is not always what the system you are working in wants from you.
As I reread these words I can’t help but to think about those friends I spent time with as a means to run away from what was inside. By the time 2019 had come around and those relationships were starting to end I must say I was cognizant of it all. “I am greater than the existence they seek and I am worth more than they appreciate” is a good paraphrased mindset of what pushed me to better myself in this timeframe. I knew I was capable of more, as all young folks (men in particular) are full of that dangerous desire of ambition. My friends in this timeframe were not ambitious, they were happy with their lot and their complaints with the world. I was not and never was satisfied with where I was in life. This was my internal struggle, trying to find focus to work on what I loved while working to pay the bills and yet I was forgetting the most important part; I was not spending as much time as I could have been, as was necessary, working on myself.
Towards the end of 2019 I forced myself to push for something new. That came as a new role at the company where I worked. When I managed to get the full time gig the illness of many names struck and the world changed. The most important thing was that I could work remotely. I would find ways to balance the day to day work slugfest with going out on the balcony for some whiskey and reading. This was where I finally managed to finish those big books I meant to read for so many years like Atlas Shrugged. “I am searching for someone who sees that worth and will treat me as an equal and level…” this is a line that I can interpret with two meanings. The first is the obvious; I was looking for a significant other. The second is that I was searching for something or someone who could show me I had worth that I could not see, worth to others and not just myself, and in doing so it would incentivize me to be a better person. Perhaps a bit foolish, but it was honestly where my mind was at the time.
Take Away
While I most certainly thought very little of this poem when I wrote it, I find that it has aged rather well in what it signifies to me. Just because something looks like junk, does not mean it will not have value at some point in the future. This is why even my most shabby and distasteful poetry has been recorded and filed away. Someday I may be able to look back and appreciate or laugh at it. Nothing has a value of zero. Our words can grow and shrink in value as we speak, as we write, and over time. Some quotes from famous people may sound dull or silly now but in a year they might be the most profound words you’ve ever heard. Do not focus on pursuing what others want you to do. Focus on what you wish to achieve. Do not discount any input along the way but it is also critical to take all the inputs as if they are grains of sand. Whatever has value will come forth as you consider the entirety of the sea of words, and that is what you should consider when developing your opinion or decision. There is no shame in searching for something fulfilling. There is no shame in confronting the past or present. There is shame in running from the past. When you let others speak, do not let them decide for you and do not become them. You will decide for yourself in due time. It will become clear when you stop running and face your fears; just don’t build the walls so high that you become isolated from everything but your fears.
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