Poetry: #77 Insight (Demise 15)
And my thoughts after revisiting the words
Insight
Purely true, this insane tragedy that keeps the tide washing me to you. If it reminds me of the past then let us start something and maybe it’ll last. I can’t dream about my future because every time I try I ruin it. One would think my attitude would get better but I’m short of a loser. My body may not be harmed but my mind has been kicked. Kicked with every passerby that saw fit to destroy the brilliance I had in mind. A sinking feeling inside begins to well up like a ball of mercury gathering particles. It leads me down a path I cannot forsake as I find a way to fill my arsenal. I guess this trail of tears and trials is more important than my conscious thought since I find myself time after time marching down this path looking for a lot. No, there is not pain forthcoming as I am an empty shell I can’t condemn myself to see. All of the broken angels and their wings can do naught but pray for me. And here I lay, insight to my soul unleashed like a howling wolf’s cry to the moon. I let my thoughts drift away from my cravings long enough to say “soon. Soon, I will know whether or not my actions are a direct result of my own self-pity.” Tell me what my repulsive manner has brought to the table. Is it a matter of a simple symbol of the days when I was a beggar? Can I throw upon my face a mask that radiates naught but a child’s smile? Is it too late to hide my true colors despite the recklessness building inside? I see myself laying on this cot slowly melting to insanity. I hear the absurdity of my thoughts like a narrator of a book trying to make up a lot. And if I can stand to bear the drive of the thoughts that thunder in my ears I can stand long enough to face the retribution due by her family’s honor. Well, I have had enough of honor and I will not wait any longer. My digression is more of a recession to where I ought to remain. I have always felt that I should abstain from the company of others. Hide in my own jail cell and cover my face to keep insecurities from the surface. To let go and retain my secret dreams, thoughts, desires, and burdens While I hold deep my private beliefs in what others should be forced to do. I know that I lived in a lie, a mystic world of my own creation; it’s true. But now I find myself in purgatory with no way up, down, in, or out; and I wait for you. Come suffer with me, come die with me, kiss me and follow me to hell. Leave behind your life and drop down deep into the sands of shifting thought with me. Let your feelings fall away and my own encompass your mind so they can feed. Let the light fall from your eyes and follow faceless phantoms as I lead you astray. Give me your heart to sustain my own and let the darkness consume your soul. If I had a bowl I would set it above a fire and cook until you are tender. When asked where you have gone reply simply that you are the sender, the one that destroyed yourself for the sake of another. Let freedom ring in your ears without hope of redemption. To feel what I do is the closest to insight you will receive. Know why I send my demons to fight my battles while I weather hidden. It’s so I do not have to face the cold that has already bitten. It’s to allow all that I have left to survive until such a time I get to heaven. If that is a dream that I cannot reach then at the very least I march to Satan. For far too long the thought of losing life lingered, and I rejoiced. If I fail to find further meaning in my own meandering thoughts I ask that you leave me to feed out by the pig troughs. I want to understand what has called me to my musing and failing that, I just want to die as I am, a glutton without more a mere thought than food. “Soon, the trough will come to you. Soon, the others will die with you.”
What are your thoughts on this poem?
My Thoughts on Demise 15
When we cannot let go of our grudges and find ourselves facing the consequences of our actions, it is so much easier to find a way to blame others, to look at how we have been wronged instead of the true bona fide self-reflection that we ought to engage in. The narrator finds that no matter what they think about, they come back to the woman that is no more. He looks for ways to justify and explain himself, to pass the blame on, to deflect from the reality of the matter.
The man was happy for a time in his cell, but the prison started to affect his mind and he’s slowly spiraling out of control. We see hints of him being reasonable throughout these poems, but those movements are becoming briefer as time moves on. He believes he has done what is right in his mind, and the retributive honor of letting the proceedings of justice unfold have clearly not gone the way he thought they might. The victim’s family keeps pushing but we don’t get forthright details on what; all we know is the narrator is preparing to push back. To him it is a matter of life and death, and perhaps it is.
So the narrator puts his foot down, stands up for what he thinks is right, and doesn’t give up. Like any person who makes a mistake and is unwilling to see or admit it, he finds that it is much easier to commit and not relent. In his case, it appears allowing his demons—the worst facets of his nature—to run rampant. Towards the end of this poem it is clear the narrator thinks he is destined for heaven, but accepts that there is a possibility he is wrong and will end up in hell. All he asks is for the chance to live life how he wants until such time that becomes a reality. His pride brought him this far, after all, so why not rely on pride to get through the rest of this tale?
Question Section
Has there ever been a time in your life when you found yourself caught in a mistake or action and felt the need to stand by it, committing to the act and maybe even going further? How did it work out in the end? Did you commit or relent? What about those around you? How do they react in such scenarios? What can we as mere mortals do to rise above our feelings of pride in such cases? Share your thoughts in the comments!
I hear another poem is coming every Saturday!