Poetry: #61 Searching (The Search For 9)
Searching for meaning in life
Searching
Where I sleep I sleep alone, in the darkness of covered windows. Where I write I write alone, in the chaos of my computer’s home. Focus is hard to come by, when the world outside beckons me to join. I am not of this world’s mistaken number, but rather a person with thoughts my own. Wasting time with those who might break my trance as was my desire, they were nothing but foils. A fool I was, to believe others could be worth the trust that I wish to impart to them for they take and never give. Harnessing my emotion and dedication to those I know is harder than I anticipated and the result is friendship that no one would crave. A halfhearted purely convenient modus operandi, a means to and end was i. No longer shall I fit my world into the tight dimensions of others such as they I am greater than the existence they seek and I am worth more than they appreciate I am searching for someone who sees that worth and will treat me as an equal and level…
What are your thoughts on this poem?
My Thoughts & Takeaway
You may notice if you’ve gone through previous poem drops, that this was released very early last year. Well, here it is again, but in context to the collection.
As I mentioned in the Poem Drop #60, society is too focused on specific narrow views, especially those in charge. “Searching” is about tapping into the desire that is often suppressed or otherwise ignored. It is about looking within and finding what thoughts don’t jive with the rest. It’s about pondering, hoping there is more to find. It is about finding a way to tap into these things without breaking the self. I would rather know myself and believe what I see to be true after deep thought than to be confused by the banter of society. Society is easily confused, people thrown into chaos in division, and as an individual, I know where my loyalties lay; I strive to never forsake Him.
In this context, “Searching” is less about the time it was written as I discussed in Poem Drop #2 where it first debuted and more about the search for change of self and from within. “Absolutely Society” set the scene to ignore what those around believed, or at least take their words with a grain of salt so that one could find themselves and wrestle free of the chaos and division of the modern age. “Searching” is about finding the will and determination to do that and much more. Why spend time with people when the following is true? “A halfhearted purely convenient modus operandi, a means to and end was i.”
It is the understanding of the ideas in this collection that come together to this poem, which is partially named after the collection and was one of the last ones written. It ends with the declaration of what I see myself as and what I am looking for in others: “I am greater than the existence they seek and I am worth more than they appreciate. I am searching for someone who sees that worth and will treat me as an equal and level…”
These declarations have not changed over time. I still believe that I am greater than a meaningless existence but I also believe all people are greater than a meaningless existence. There is no pedestal I will place myself on, that is not the point. To be greater is to know thyself and to know one’s Life’s Task (to use Robert Greene’s term). This is what gives meaning to existence. Knowing who and what you are and doing what you are meant to do from the day you were born. It can be multiple things, sequentially or in parallel, but we all have meaning; we just need to find it.
For me, I expect those around me to either actively search or already know what they are meant to do in life. It is something that makes finding friends or partners difficult, and I still pursue it to this day. Why? Because putting what gives my life meaning on pause or giving up on it in pursuit of someone else’s dreams and Life’s Task is not something I am willing to do. If one doesn’t know where they are headed, I cannot in good conscious assume it’ll be in the same direction as me. Friends come and go, people grow and move on, that is all natural; but a partner, a spouse, which is someone who needs to grow with the other. This doesn’t mean pursuit of the exact same dreams or goals, growth in this context implies working together without infringing on the growth of the other with the result of both fulfilling their meaning, their Life’s Task, their dreams.
Question Section
What is, to use Greene’s phrase, your Life’s Task? Are you being pulled away from achieving it and being fulfilled by those in your life? Let me know in the comments!
I hear another poem is coming every Saturday!